Caitlyn Jenner appeared on Any Given Wednesday with Bill Simmons and got candid about her identity struggles.
The I Am Caitlyn star admitted that her transition had not happened without some rough patches and at one point she had even considered suicide. She recounted that she had been photographed by a paparazzo while leaving her doctor's office after having surgery on her Adam's apple.
"I could not sleep that night. I'm up at 3 a.m. walking up and down my hallway, thinking, 'Damn, all this s--t is going to come out tomorrow and it's going to be horrible," she said of the time, according to E! News. "And I said, 'You know what? Easy way. Go in the other room. You got a gun. Let's just end it right here.'"
The Olympian said she knew that wasn't the right option, though.
"That's, like, the easy way out. No more pain, no more nothing. I don't have to deal with the tabloids any longer," she recalled. "I don't have to deal with any of this. And that was probably the lowest I've ever gotten."
It was that low point that helped motivate her to keep pushing for her true self.
"I thought, 'What a terrible way to end your life's story!' I don't want my story to end that way, on a negative note," she shared. "That was the beginning of me turning my thinking around to say, 'OK, I think I can do this.'"
Now that she is living her "authentic" life, she says she's got her "mojo back."
"Going through this, I have renewed my excitement for life. My life today is so interesting, so simple. It really is so simple!" she said, and shared an honest anecdote. "I was in Vegas the other day—I had to give a speech—and I used to go to Vegas for years and years and years, and I liked to go to Vegas because I could sneak around."
"I could go to my hotel room, dress, cross-dress, actually go out and walk around. I would never talk to anybody because I knew my voice would give me away, and I never got caught. I could go out and just be myself and just walk around. But I had two suitcases. I'd have to talk the nail polish off, then put the nail polish back on. My life was so complicated, you know? And I'm struggling with all these issues. This time I went to Vegas, all I had to do was take one suitcase. I go downstairs, I get dressed, I get ready, I go down and take a few selfies with people through the hotel, give my speech, live authentically. It was so simple!"